I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Half the people you know are below average.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I lost a button hole today.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

One night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.